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I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down. 
Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.
Wouldn't the halftime show have been better if the sharks had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...
My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."
Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Crazy alert: I just read that some girls are buying positive pregnancy tests on Craiglist to pressure their boyfriends into popping the question. If your girlfriend does this, leave her immediately!
It's the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.
Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.
I always hang a sock on the door knob to let my roommate know I am getting it on with the other sock....
Ron Jeremy is in the hospital... I think I've seen that one before on Redtube. 