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You are the kind of a person that we could use as a blueprint to build an idiot. 
I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"
Did you know the ocean gets it's saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not!
I clearly like all the music on my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle...then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes
going to snatch a kiss, or vice versa!
checking the obituaries for any cool job openings
I find it funny when people mention 'boys toys' I think of gadgets, cars, consoles. But when they mention 'womens toys' I think of vibrators, nipple clamps and whips
A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I think a great name for an energy drink would be "F5." The tagline could be, "Hit the F5 to refresh!" Bask in the warmth of my genius.
Next dude I see on my newsfeed with a shirtless mirror pic is being defriended.. I dont care who you are
Thinks that you should've been swallowed at conception.
I guess it's "No Pull Out" season. Almost every chick on Facebook is pregnant.
I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?
People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn't even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Making a list of people I want to visit after catching Ebola.
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
You know that the Pot used to call the Kettle something much worse right?
started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems 