Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.

   I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

   I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?