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If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for. 
I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.
If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.
I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.
This just enforces the belief that people with mullets should not be raising children.
My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.
If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.
Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.
I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?
After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet.
You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.
I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.
this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!
Russell Wilson became the first QB in history to throw a game-winning interception." 