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cancelling Mondays due to lack of interest!!! 
I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die
Wow, I have a lot of people named "Do Not Answer" in my phone...
sorry 2009 but I'm going to have to file a restraining order on you. You're going to have to stay at least 365 days away from me. You caused to many problems.
Ran out of bubbles for her bath so she had to make her own.
If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.
Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
My five year old son was getting out of the shower and with a puzzled look asked, dad what are these for? Being caught a little off guard, I replied... Balance...
considering switching his Facebook account to Spanish language settings so that he can have a "me gusta" button.
I've perfected the confused look for when my credit card's declined.
So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.
Stock tip: Buy Frito-Lay, Little Debbie and any other snack food stock... The people in Colorado and Washington State are going to be getting the munchies.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun
Why is it that BLM only protest when a black person is killed by a cop. Why are they not protesting in Chicago where 200 black kids are killed by 200 other black kids every day?
Neil Young: So woke that he canceled himself.
I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?
Teeth are always in style! 