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I wonder if my drug dealer is going to have any Black Friday deals. 
I just killed a spider with my shoe. I don't care how big spiders are but no one steals my f*cking shoes!
If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.
'Jesus loves you.' Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison
Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?
Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"
Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.
I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...
Get your popcorn ready! It's Movie Night in Ferguson again!!
you're sleeping between a hot girl and a gay dude.You're all naked. who do you turn your back to when you sleep?
gonna make a FB account with the name "benefits".That way when a few ppl add me, it'll say: you and 5 other ppl r now friends with benefit
When women talk to each other, the devil sits in a corner, quietly listening and learning.
"what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again" YES
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
I read a story Thursday about things you shouldn't buy used, such as child car seats, plasma TVs and vacuum cleaners. Good advice, but condoms and toilet paper would have been at the top of my list.
Dear Schwarzenegger, You were a 'Running man' from your 'True Lies',and your 'Predator' ways will have you spending your 'End of Days' with 'Junior'. Good thing it wasn't 'Twins'.(mood:first mistake was going 'Commando')
[+[__] :] <- Like my Gameboy?
Westboro Batist Church founder dead!!!! Who's up for a funeral protest?!?!?!
Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie. 