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I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor. 
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..
I like to sleep naked, so if there's any kind of emergency I immediately make it sexy...
Kenny Rogers said "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run"... I'm pretty sure he was talking about women, not cards.
To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.
Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.
I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'
Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.
"The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"
Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!
I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'
FUN FACT: People who use the phrase "winner winner chicken dinner" got their education at the University of Pheonix
I just rap battled with my 5 year old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.
Actress Elizabeth Olsen recently said it doesn't hurt your career to appear nude on screen. You listening, Megan Fox?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me! 