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I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago. 
World population:7,018,521,683....just incase some1 starts feeling too important
Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.
If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, tell em the truth!!!!!!!
DVD Piracy Ad: 'You wouldn't steal a television' - Recent evidence suggests otherwise.
We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.
Irish:Tabhair dom an rud céanna mar atá ag an fhear ar an t-úrlar! English:Give me the same as the man on the floor!
A keyring is a handy little gadget that let's you lose all your keys at once
doing laundry. nothing says "I love you" like clean underwear.
If you don't care where you are then your not lost.
My imaginary friend Dan is a terrible wingman.
Relationships don't need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people; one who can trust and one who can understand.
OMG.... at 3pm, 6pm in the east I felt this horrible shaking and noise and thought, OH NO AHHHH..IT'S TIME...WTH!!!. Then I realized it was the washing machine out of balance.
Just denied 47 requests to play FarmVille, apparently I need new friends.
When I hear you say: "We need to work together." What I hear is you saying" "I'm not smart enough to complete this task."
Errant 'Rapture' Prophet Harold Camping Suffers a Stroke..guess he didnt see that one coming.
Ever look at your ex while thinking "was I drunk for our whole relationship?
I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.
It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time. 