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I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 
It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.
I need a drink, a woman, or a massage… or a drunken massage by a woman.
Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.
So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?
Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.
When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.
Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.
Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.
what do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand.
I want to spread you open and lick you over and over. Wife - Are you talking to your Oreos again?!
I would pay good money for a painting of Snoop Dogg and Dog the Bounty Hunter playing poker.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
MTV has gone from Music Television to Maternity Television..
I am tormented at night by the idea that everything funny has been said
Men lie about how many women they have been with because they CAN'T remember the exact number...Women lie about how many men they have been with because they CAN remember the exact number....
It isn't that I'm not a people person, it's just that I'm not a stupid people person.
Don't stand too close to the heater honey, plastic melts
Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results.
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