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The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!" 
*sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"
Dr. Suess should have been a rapper.
The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.
My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods
During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"
Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...
Black Friday: Where one day after giving thanks for what we have, we trample each other to buy what we don't.
I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.
BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them.
Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.
I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk
Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.
Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
Picasso emoticon: ' < __ ,
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