Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I like enlarged buttocks and I cannot stop myself from telling the truth.

   Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through that sh!t.

   Resistance is Not Futile...it's Voltage divided by Current

   Moral of the story is only cheat with people who have the same relationship status as you. That's how you avoid drama because both of you gotta go home.

   I've always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer: "Elderly, depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh music, seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late teens. Must be nonsmoker."

   “One man's trash is another man's treasure” is an awesome phrase, but it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

   Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn't find a hug"

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   The better person you become, the better person you will attract.

   Do you know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy. =======>

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   I never knew Will Ferrell had so much talent....good job on the tight rope!

   An optimist is the dude who yells out "Wet t-shirt contest!" during the sinking of the Titanic.

   My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...

   Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it

   Let's leave Florida out of it next time. They've got enough on their plate, no need to burden them with national concerns.

   Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   FYI:There are only two ingredients in trail mix. . . M&M's,,, and disappointment