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K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why. 
What one person receives without working for .... another person must work for without receiving
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.
has anyone tried to unplug and plug back in the Governmen?
No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many.
Ill be thankful when this thankful month is over
In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”
The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore
Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.
If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.
I hate when I tell someone I'm bored, and they suggest getting together. Then I have to explain that I'm not quite that bored.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t! 