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It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen. 
Just watched an entire TV show without being on my phone just like they did on the Mayflower.
The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know
It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.
I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused
Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone
LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.
Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"
How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.
Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"
A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than A FBI Agent
You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.
He called my girlfriend a wh0re. So I called him an ambulance.
As a species we should resign now and let the dinosaurs have another go
Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.
Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.
My wife and I have a waterbed - I call it the "Dead Sea"!
Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones. 