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I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap. 
Justin Bieber arrested for DUI and street racing. He was under the influence of drugs and was incoherent. He resisted arrest without violence and didnt have a drivers license. There is no joke here, the headline is funny enough on its own merit.
Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (
I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.
everyone getting excited? Only 337 days until Thanksgiving.
Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up. In other news, Taylor Swift has started writing her next album.
I don't know about you, but somehow I feel slightly disturbed watching the trailer for the new Karate Kid. Seeing Jackie Chan beat up a bunch of ten years olds somehow makes me feel like I should call somebody or something.
I'm no Proctologist, but I know an a**hole when I see one.
not goin bald....im just gettin more head!
Weird... I just found a haystack on top of this needle...
Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.
I don't start trouble! I just keep it going.
Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.
Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.
Why is it, when I get a 2-minute long, static and mumbling filled voicemail that is clearly the result of an accidental purse/pocket dial, I don't just delete it 5 seconds in? Because I'd rather listen intently for sh*t talking.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn't talking about sneezing.
OK...I have 20 Bowls and 20 Lids...Not NONE of the dang things match!!
wondering why the big uproar about burning Crayons??
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. 