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Dog's diary = me and my master played all day! Cat's diary = day 154 of captivity. 
I gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question. I replied, "Depends."
While on Facebook, I realized that I don't hate Facebook...I hate people.
Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.
If you blame others for your failures, do you credit them with your success?
didnt Mark Zuckerberg learn anything from Tom Anderson? the changes to myspace is what killed it
I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help
Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.
My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.
Dear Shake Weight, Thanks for showing the ladies how it's done. Forever yours, Edward
A rumor goes in one ear and then out of many mouths.
You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?
I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML
They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.
May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.
driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.
BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.
I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.
These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.
You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!! 