Funny Status Messages

   What's with these silly women always talking about how they don't need a man in their lives? B*tch, I also don't need a Ferrari but you don't hear me talking about it every damn minute.

   ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ I will die alone with 73 cats

   Anyone know how to get blood stains out of carpet? Totally unrelated, but I also am looking for a new girlfriend.

   Its better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship and feel alone.

   wonders if there is a connection beween Jennifer Hudson's Weight loss & Hostess filing Chapter 11

   When god created china he knew he would never have to make anything else again.....

   My dream job would be to drive the karma bus.

   I said to my GF "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!

   I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   ..... So the first picture of Ben Affleck as Batman was released today!!! Question: When is Hollywood going to realize that they are never going to be able to replace the greatest Batman of all time ..... Adam West?

   The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way

   Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   The Big Mac doesn’t look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics.

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....