Funny Status Messages

   Putting $10,000 worth of speakers into a $5000 car is a sure way of never climbing out of your social class

   Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet

   You don't call it stalking; you call it solving a problem.

   Washington D.C. got a ton of snow last weekend. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done. You know, sort of like when it's not snowing.

   Wife comes home and says "What would you do if I won the lottery?" "I would take half and leave your ass!" "good I won 12$ here's 6$ now get the fu$k out!"

   Sometimes I Feel No Matter What.... The Girlfriend Is Always Right Products

   passed a door in the stairwell with the sign: "Door is Alarmed." I told it to relax, everything is going to be okay.

   Mon :( Tues :/ Wed :| Thurs :) Friday :D Sat ^.^ Sun -_-

   You work hard. You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference.. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours. But they all have to learn to live in the same box.

   Waking up on a Monday morning isn't hard. Convincing myself that getting out of bed is worth it---that's the real challenge

   I look forward everyday to extending my streak of never watching a single minute of "The View"!

   OMG! Stop sending me that stupid birthday calendar request. My damn birthday is already on my profile, why do you need a backup!?!

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   Scientists say they will soon be able to repair our cells to where we can live to be 500+ years old. If I have to wait until I'm 470 to get social security, I'm going to be ticked off.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it.

   Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   Everytime I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty awesome.