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Worst sex I ever had? With a girl that punched me in the face every time she climaxed.Wasn't that that bad until I realized she was faking. 
Hey Joe, must be nice to eat ice cream as fast as you want and not have to worry about brain freeze.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is??
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
Mexican word of the day "wheelchair": Juan and I only have one taco, but is ok, wheelchair.
I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.
Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van
Farts are the screams of trapped poo.
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
Good friends will be there with tissues...Best friends will be there with a baseball bat saying " what did they do to you and do I need a shovel?''
I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really f-cked up.
Next time someone tells you that you look familiar,tell them you wore a condom!
Are you always this stupid, OR ARE YOU MAKING A SPECIAL EFFORT TODAY?
Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people “Happy Birthday,” ever.
I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.
Ladies: stop getting relationship advice from your bitter, man-hating friend. It's like going to a strip club to find Jesus. She is single for a reason.
The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?
Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear. 