Funny Status Messages

   Dear apartment next door, you can either have an infant or a puppy, kill one.

   Bae is short for Retarded, right?

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

   Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   As kids we want to be adults who can do whatever they want and as adults we wish we were kids who can do whatever they want

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering on Orlando Bloom as he tried to punch Justin Bieber is enough for him to earn his Oscar in my books.

   No matter what age a man is, there is something about cleavage that is just hypnotic.

   cant have an openly religious football player in the NFL, that would be bad. it needs more accused murderers, rapists and morons who shoot themselves in the leg.

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.

   Some people and their damn event invites, they're like the Jehovah Witnesses of Facebook!

   I've created my own cookbook by binding all the food delivery flyers together.

   Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?

   I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn't a ''Oh Hell No!'' Button!!!