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Open an ice cream shop and name your flavors things like: "don't be sad","he's not worth it","you deserve better". 
for my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer,.
So the North Korean soccer team won their opening game at the Olympics yesterday! I'm guessing they will be allowed to live, at least until they lose!
Don't judge a book by it's cover... Unless that book is Twilight, then you can judge the book and it's reader.
Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.
my therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues so we hit him...
I'm southern but not, "Calvin peeing on things decal on my truck" southern.
If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I wouldn't even know what to do in a threesome. Probably jumping jacks.
Fellas; Not all women are interested in your money. Some of them only want your souls.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...
Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite holiday special about a burglar whose crimes go wholly unpunished.
When the world ends tomorrow, I hope it is after 5:00 pm, because I won't get paid for the holiday if I don't work Friday.
I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person!
When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
They should change the name of "Disney Channel" to "Celebrity Pre-Rehab". 