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i just fitted a strobe light in the bedroom....it makes it look like the wife's moving during sex 
Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..
The best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked before.
You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.
Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"
Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....
I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year
Didn't leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
You can't make us laugh with your Boston Marathon status so please stop trying and move on!
Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.
I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."
I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends. 