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Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat" 
Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.
The only person I'm better than is the person I was yesterday.
Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.
Theirs a reason the rear-view mirror is small & the windshield is big, where you are heading is much more important than what you left behind.
I hope I'm the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
It's better to have loved and lost than to have spent the rest of your life with that psycho. Happy Single Person's Awareness Day!
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....
I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year
Didn't leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
You can't make us laugh with your Boston Marathon status so please stop trying and move on!
Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.
I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."
I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends. 