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A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!” 
Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.
Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.
always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice
I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.
I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.
The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow
Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.
Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
Laxatives: check the traffic report before taking one.
I think it's cool the way they let the Cardinals pick the pope and not the Cubs or Yankees
I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.
I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?
I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Did Miley Cyrus have a stroke or was she doing that with her tongue on purpose
Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.
People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.
Today is 4/20, or as the people of Colorado call it, Saturday. 