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This just in, all the kids in Kindergarten Cop are Arnold's 
To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex
Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?
The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.
Facebook has made changes, yes. Some good and bad but after all this still no {DISLIKE} button.......sh!t
Our neighbor said he wouldn't mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today. Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. F**king Cheetos.
Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.
The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)
In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.
If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.
#ThatMomentOfHappiness when you see your ex and they're doing worse without you in their life
We've been duped. After all the books I've read, I can't believe it took me this long to realize they are all written with just 26 letters rearranged in different order. What a rip-off.
There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.
waiting for MTV to make a sequel to go along with the "16 and Pregnant" series, 32 and a Grandma.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer. 