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If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk. 
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats
Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?
I believe in love. I also believe in Superman and The Force.
I haven't gotten laid in so long, you'd swear I've been wearing Crocs all this time.
Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
Only took 2 days to elect a Pope. I think its safe to assume none of the Cardinals were from Florida.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I'm just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!
Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.
In honour of the olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? :D
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.
[ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.
To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.
*Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug
The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order. 