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I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other. 
Had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Rosie O donnell. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale,and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire.
♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫
"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" -- Abraham Lincoln
I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering: Horse? Catapult? Tooth Fairy? Santa?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.
People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour
"Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site
I love when people say to me… Omg! Your so funny on FB. If they only knew about my awesome copy & paste ability..They could be just as funny!
I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.
I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"
If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account.
The best part of the Grammys was Justin Bieber not performing
A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.
you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....
My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.
Sometimes stapling water to a tree is much easier than convincing an idiot. 