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Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe. 
I used to have a job where I crushed aluminum cans all day. worst job ever....soda pressing.
if I was making $150,000 a month, I sure as h-ell wouldn't kill the man who pays me..
IT ME OR WHENEVER YOU PULL OUT A PACK OF GUM EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY YOUR FRIEND??
Deja F*** U! to the guy who keeps posting those things.
The awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there's an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...
I just watched a tampon commercial for 8 minutes before I realized it was an episode of Sex and the City.
I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.
1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me
Nobody in this world can be as patient as Ted Mosby's children.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven't decided yet.”
Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast.
My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.
OFF is the general direction in which I would like you to Fuck 