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had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all. 
When I drop my phone, I act like I've dropped a new born baby.
If you're gonna blast music through your headphones so everyone can hear, do the rest of us a favor and ask for requests
Stupid mistakes are made by others. I only make unavoidable errors
Boy it's nice out today... our at least that's what it says on my computer.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.
I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.
People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing
Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.
Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.
I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class
I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
Dear GoFundMe, please allow us to raise money to pay someone to punch Kanye square in the face.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. 