Funny Status Messages

   In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people "have you seen this person?"

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   To skip any youtbue ad just change ‘youtbue’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.

   Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.

   Am I the only one that believes people without kids should get a "No-Child Tax Credit"... I mean I'm over here not overpopulating the world.. Think I deserve a lil something back for that... Yall Welcome!

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

   Pediatricians just announced that trampolines are dangerous. In a related story, fire is hot…

   They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you're an a$$hole, too.

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   If you think you're having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom

   I'm not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink... I already have one

   I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.

   The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

   HA HA !! Kim Kardashian is Killing Kanye's Popularity ! What a D Bag !

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.