Funny Status Messages

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   If I'm at Death's door, I'm going to pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so that he'll never answer it.

   Friend asks me "Why do you carry a gun?" I reply "because a cop is too damn heavy to carry"

   I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!

   "Common sense" is dead an buried. What we have today is "rare sense".

   Job application is a trick by some id! ots that they don't even bother to read your resume.

   My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

   If you're poor you're a "Hoarder." If you're rich you're a "Collector."

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   Don't you wish you could just google anything? Like "where's the remote?" google:"under the couch",

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.