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If you're happy and you know it, share your meds. 
Brush your teeth or please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.
bubblewrap under his bedsheets, so during the "Heat of Passion" it sounds like FIREWORKS going off!
Tonight I'm leaving my sobriety at home, along with my indoor voice and any behavior that can be mistaken as 'ladylike'.
Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off!... anyone need a hand??
I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status. !!!!
When I post a good status message that gets lots of comments, I feel like I just rode a bull for 8 seconds at the rodeo
Attention bullies: if you're looking for lunch money, there are tons of nerds hoarding around outside Apple Stores right now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.
After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.
Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.
The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.
If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."
I was Home School Valedictorian!
If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.
I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!
Sometimes I wonder why I ever came to this Earth 