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gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone. 
Gentlemen, for the next 2-3 weeks the best pick up line at any bar is, "What's Call of Duty?" You can thank me at the bachelor party.
I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.
At the end of job interviews I always ask, "On a scale of 8-10, how amazing was I?"
From the way you did your make up, I can tell how much you miss kindergarten coloring books.
Special merry xmas to all the essential personnel that have to work this holiday season i.e. doctors nurses cops..fire men 7-11 employees ..!!
the only bad thing about having a great status comment....you dont get the credit...lol but you get the likes.
People who go to the liquor store and buy a pint of whiskey are poor planners… what are you going to drink tomorrow?
A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then that is why
Sometimes the Birthday reminders on facebook remind me of the friends.i need to delete
Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.
I have a memory foam mattress... I really hope it doesn't remember everything.
70% of my enemies were once my friends.
The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.
Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…
I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.
My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
Who gets the binders full of women?
My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.
Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!" 