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My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now. 
Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.
What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!
300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?
...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan
I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.
I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."
If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.
Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire 