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Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!! 
Im not fat I'm just easier to see
I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..
It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.
A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.
Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.
My 14 y/o daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's okay to leave her alone with him.
How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Lesbianism is proof that size doesn't matter!!
I'm seeing alot of couple getting joint facebook accounts and call them for example "JohnandJaneDoe". Ah, nothing says love like I don't trust you to have your own facbeook page. So, lets get one together so we can keep tabs on each other Dear.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?
I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here. 