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I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes. 
In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...
Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.
The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.
By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.
Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now
You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....
My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"
Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."
Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
No man has ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that
Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.
I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"
I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull**** 