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My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that) 
Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.
Light switches that flip up for off should be banned
believes that if politicians don't have to pay their taxes, we shouldn't either
Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.
The new version of Pac-Man is so awesome, it comes with a search engine built into it
Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.
partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D
I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.
Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!
will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!
Things in my life are finally starting to click...... Like my elbows, my knees, my feet,etc;
Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.
Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.
Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.
I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice. 