Funny Status Messages

   : Say this fast-  { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of this wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong."

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   I have a friend whose status says: "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him...

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   Good News! Gas is supposed to drop under $3/gal! Now we can afford to drive by the job we used to have, the home we used to own & the bank we used to have money in....

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White - Good condition - Reliable - Cheap - No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.

   I sound so good singing after a couple drinks, that my neighbors even called the cops to come and hear me too!

   I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"