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Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer. 
At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.
I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!
If you're dyslexic then this numbers game is not for you!
telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"
some say the glass is half empty, some say it's half full... I say "Are you gonna drink that?"
drinking coffee so I can do stupid things faster and with more energy.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water
There is always one person at the card table who has to be told it is their turn.
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.
"AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.
I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.
Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.
I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm
Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.
I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up. 