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I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor. 
Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.
FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.
I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.
Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.
So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?
I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.
I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.
I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.
The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.
Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.
I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.
If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.
Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.
Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages. 