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I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less! 
Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.
I never win at Scrable
When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis
If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
The only rule when a Genie grants you a wish is that you cannot wish for more wishes. Think outside the Box and wish for more Genies. The moral is that, every situation has a loop hole
I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Who would have thought that giving an actor with a history of drug addiction $2 million an episode would have turned out badly?
Forrest Gumps license plate says 1forrest1
I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons
Telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder"
If you dont like being tailgated then dont play movies I like.
As my 5 year-old nephew and I carved my pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That's what happens to snitches.”
Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."
Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires 