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If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated. 
I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
9000 POEPLE ARE HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW...2000 ARE KISSING...1000 ARE ENJOYING ORAL... AND ONE LONELY F##KER IS READING MY STATUS......YOU HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE
There are three stages in a person's life: You believe in Santa Claus; you don't believe in Santa Claus; you are Santa Claus.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.
One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.
a drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.” “Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”
RIP to the millions of people who die every day and don't get recognized
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.
Aside from Confirm & ignore, friend requests should have a "WHO ARE YOU" button
Little brothers XBOX broke. Go to new one. Worthless Walmart employee was too lazy to find one. Tells me they are all out. So I stand in front of her and buy it online with in store pickup so she has to find it. BAM
The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots
My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
Dude in the truck in front of me, I have no idea where you're going but you've got a huge grill and two kegs in the back of your truck and pulling a trailer with a go cart and a huge inner tube. I'm following you!
How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???
Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday. 