Funny Status Messages

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

   9000 POEPLE ARE HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW...2000 ARE KISSING...1000 ARE ENJOYING ORAL... AND ONE LONELY F##KER IS READING MY STATUS......YOU HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE

   There are three stages in a person's life: You believe in Santa Claus; you don't believe in Santa Claus; you are Santa Claus.

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   We text 24/7, but when we meet, it's so awkward.

   The big winners in last nights MNF debacle?.... All of the TV repair shops in Wisconsiun.

   I don't feel like doing anything today...except for you...I'd do you.

   anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??

   Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio.

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   In 10 years time people who currently like Miley, Bieber, Lady Gaga and One Direction will make decisions about your health care. Sleep well.

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   How many shares of fb stock do I need to buy before I can block anyone from ever posting about going to the gym again?

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.