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Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success. 
They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.
everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell
The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.
Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.
It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.
A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?
my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.
PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!
I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"
You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
In Heaven, donuts are glazed on both sides 