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The person in front of me at Starbucks included a specific temperature in her coffee order. Where is a drone strike when you need one? 
My voicemail greeting is now a Justin Bieber song. if you can make it to the end of the song without hanging up then I’ll listen to the message, because obviously it’s important!
Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.
Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.
Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
According to my current parking spot, I'm Chief of Police.
I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Bananas don't go back once they go black either.
Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? Like we're going outside...
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class. 