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My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I'm inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case. 
Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. Example: Can you pass the salt? The salt, can you pass it. No. The SALT. GIVE ME THE SALT!
Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.
I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????
I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet.
I wonder what the person I`m going to marry is doing right now
Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.
Picking your nose doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's what you do with the booger.
This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."
Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!
My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician
Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.
So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....
Now that a billonaire in Mexico is going to buy out Hostess the twinkie will come in 3 flavors. Hot, Medium and mild.
The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is. 