Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One. 
If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"
Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.
For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.
How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?
I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.
does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?
pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.
I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.
People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!
There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.
Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”
I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.
Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.
when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!
Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.
likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"
I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag 