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After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war. 
You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you
just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!
Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license...
Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them
I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.
When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....
It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.
everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.
making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions
Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.
Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(
, I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."
wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail. 