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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created. 
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.
Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license...
Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them
When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....
It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.
everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you
just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!
When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"
Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.
Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off. 