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Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane. 
If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times
I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.
It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones
I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...
Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas... 