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I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter. 
Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm
almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing
sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!
It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.
When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."
Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.
I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan. 