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The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!? 
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.
I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you
In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!
The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now
why can't Twitter just die already?
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you
Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.
has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!
put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse?? 