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If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them. 
During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now
In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
why can't Twitter just die already?
Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.
wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you
Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.
has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!
put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??
such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!
a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.
I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4. 