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Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase. 
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!
You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR's are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....
Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.
Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.
Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.
If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.
Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.
Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.
Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....
I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place. 