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Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants. 
Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two
Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid your question was!
I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."
Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.
Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?
been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"
I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.
I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day
"Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably
Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,
it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?
When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.
I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.
Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week 